Thank you for the rain

Yesterday on my way to work, I realized that July 13, 2014 marks the 18 year anniversary of my father’s suicide.  I was 18 when he died; I am 36 now.  That means that the first half of my life was with my father and the second half has been without him.

Initially, I wanted to write about the emotional journey of living half of my life without my father and what it was like to experience becoming a man without him; missing the birth of his grandchildren or not being present for the weddings of my two younger brothers.  Maybe I had some anger that needed to be released or I needed to declare that suicide is selfish.  But as I began typing, something interesting began to happen; God opened my eyes to the significance of days leading up to my father’s death. While there are times I become angry about my dad’s decision, this day, anger would be swept away by a significant moment that I had not previously considered – a moment that occurred on Thursday, July 11, 1996.

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June 15, 2014 – Father’s Day.  I have different memories of my father than my younger brothers.  My father had faults; what person doesn’t?   The moment I graduated high school and eloped to marry my high school sweetheart, the relationship with my father changed.  We were growing closer.  We were beginning to have the bond I had always wanted with him.  We were talking; something we did not do often enough in my teen years.

I began detailing vehicles to make extra money in the summer of 1996.  I had promised a co-worker that I would detail the interior of her min-van before their family vacation.  Being a man of my word, I kept my promise but was concerned on how I was going to clean her vehicle because it was raining.  I usually washed and detailed vehicles a local car wash, but due to the weather, I had to make alternate plans. I decided to drive to my father’s house. He had a large building that was perfect to shield me from the rain to detail the vehicle.

As I pulled in to the garage, I saw my dad standing by the back door; he stepped out of the house suspiciously looking at the unfamiliar van pulling up the drive.  I remember the look on his face was sad; I had seen it a number of times before.  I parked then walked over and hugged him.  I remember it was not a simple hug to greet him; it was from my heart and probably with more love than I had shown him in years.  Little did I know this would be our last moment together.  

I never realized the significance of that day until now.  I have always been grateful of being able to see him that last time, but dwelled on that fateful Saturday two days later when I had a prompting to visit him but didn’t.   I never thought about all that led up to that brief moment on a rainy Thursday morning when a son tried to provide love to a man who felt he was never loved. 

I wonder if God knew that no one could have changed my dad’s mind about what he was going to do; maybe, just maybe, God knew that I would listen to his promptings and show love and kindness to a man who needed an extra hug that day.  Let’s face it, had it not been raining, I would not have driven to his house. Had it not been raining, I would not have been able to visit my father one last time before he died. 

In the midst of struggles and challenges, it is easy to overlook the fact that God is there.  In my case, it took me almost 18 years to see God’s hand in one of the darkest times of my life.  I was not a Christ follower at the time my father died, but God was still there, guiding me through love.

Preparing for a Child's Major Surgery

" ‘ “The Lord bless you

and keep you;

the Lord make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace.” ’ "

Numbers 6:24-26 NIV

     I was asked recently, "How do you prepare for an event such as your child's open heart surgery?"  I am an emotional guy.  I always have been.  I cry at Hallmark commercials. Preparing for my daughter's open heart surgeries have been full of emotion.  I am certain that there are a number of psychologists that will tell you the best ways to mentally prepare, but I want to share with you how my wife and I personally handled the emotional roller coaster.  So many thoughts running through my head, so many emotions to contend with, but here is what I found helpful to prepare for the major events.

• Positive outcomes.  It's no secret, as a parent, we have to remain positive; be the cheerleader.  We have to stay strong and envision what will take place when our child heals from the trial they are going through.  We made a list of all the things that my daughter wanted to do when she recovered: swim, run, and dance. In our case, our little girl had planned for the entire family to run a 5K race over the summer.   This allowed her to stay focused on the end results and to keep her strength. Positive thoughts created motivation and encouragement.

• Negative outcomes.  Parents must sign a consent form before any surgical procedures begin.  This consent form states what will take place during the surgery and the risk factors associated with the procedure.  It is important to review the risks, no matter how minor, to understand what could happen.  It is important to review the risks and not shy away from the major possibilities.  Risks have to be discussed and acknowledged because someone having the same procedure in the past had an adverse reaction. I had to come face to face knowing that death could occur. While this thought is a complete 180 degrees from being positive, I had to give this to God; His will, not my desires.  

• While no one wants to think about the negative outcomes, I personally had to hit this head on. Let's face it, stopping a beating heart has risk factors, death being one of them.  If I did not at least face the fact that open heart surgery is a risky event, I would have been lying to myself.  While the planned surgery has a 96% survival rate, I took it as far as considering what funeral services would look like.  I know it's a dark place to be, but for me, I had to put myself in that situation to deal with the emotions surrounding my daughter's situation. While I prayed for positive results, I had to consider that my family is not immune to negative outcomes. 

• Unexpected outcomes.  Unexpected outcomes caught my family by surprise twice.  I never imagined that our daughter would walk in for an open heart surgery only to be discharged a few hours later with the procedure being canceled.  And for the second time in two years, we had to tell our daughter that the surgery did not go as planned and that she is still not well.  What are the variety of things that could happen?  The good?  The worst? The somewhere in between?  Its impossible to think of everything, but parents have to be realistic and realize that procedures may go smoothly and there could be anomalies.

• Faith.  Of these four, faith is the most important.  "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  (Hebrews 11:1 NIV) I am a believer in Christ.  In situation of children going through pain and suffering, many people cringe and say, "How can God allow children to go through such agony?!"   It was also relayed to me that my family is experiencing another health issues because  "Someone in the family is not living right."  Let me provide a little insight to these statements I have heard.

• There are a number of ways that I can address the first questions.  Romans 5:12 tells us that when Adam sinned, sin entered the world and death entered as well.  The perfect world that God wanted to give us, was now a tarnished place. Secondly, Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that we will have troubles.  Following God does not mean Christians receive a free pass from pain or sorrow.  I believe that followers of Christ have a new outlook on life and the challenges we face.

• The second statement stating that illness or death is punishment for the way we live is answered in John 9:3, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him..." We cannot begin to understand the plans of God, but believers with faith know that all things work for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:25 NIV)  When with walk with God, we have a different approach to tragic situations, a new outlook when life does not go according to our plans.

    These are the four things my family and I did to cope with a very emotional situation.  We should give our worries to God, but it is not always easy is it?  When someone you love is facing a situation that could alter their life - facing something that could alter our life, our selfishness comes into play.  Prayers like, "Lord don't take her from me.  Keep her safe!" ring from our mouth as if we can keep loved ones safer than God. Faith is key in tough situations; when our very faith is shaken to its core, we must cling to our faith to keep us focused and moving forward. Trying to realize that God knows best means letting go: letting go of fear, and letting go of selfishness, letting go of our loved ones so God can take over.

Update on Jalen

      On behalf of the entire Kimmel family, let me say thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes. March 24, 2014, was anything than the day we had anticipated. At the end of the day, while very emotional and exhausted, we are very blessed with the decisions the doctors and surgeons made.

      Jalen was to have had her third open heart surgery. The procedure scheduled was to replace her mitral valve to eliminate the need to regulate her heart rate when she is active. When her heart rate rises above 120 beats per minute (bpm), Jalen begins to experience symptoms not uncommon of those suffering the onset of heart attacks. It is believed that her mitral valve is restricting blood flow through the aortic valve, which supplies blood to the rest of the body.

      Prior to Jalen being prepared for surgery, her surgeon came in to visit. He told us that before any surgical procedures were to be completed, a 3-D trans-esophageal echocardiogram (TEE) would be performed. The TEE is a type of sonogram that is completed by guiding a scope down the throat to provide extremely close ultrasound photos of the heart. The TEE is completed under general anesthesia. A chief of one of the departments happened to be reviewing Jalen’s case over the weekend and wanted the TEE to be completed before the mitral valve replacement procedure began. The chief is an expert at reviewing these types of photos and videos and we were told was instrumental to the development of the 3-D technology. Nurses finished preparing Jalen for surgery, we gave final hugs and kisses, and Jalen was wheeled away.

     We were told that we should be receiving updates every forty-five minutes to one hour. Almost two hours had passed before we received our first and only update. It was Jalen’s cardiologist and surgeon, not a nurse as we had expected. Charlene and I, along with the doctors, entered a small conference room. Doctors were quick to tell us that Jalen was fine but there had been a change in plans; the reason for meeting was to inform us of their findings from the photos produced during the TEE.

     During the last ninety minutes, over 100 years of experience, gathered around monitors and the newest photos of Jalen’s mitral valve and heart. Photos of her mitral valve appeared to be healthy and new details showed something else was causing the concern; surgeons would not be moving forward with a valve replacement at this time. Photos from the TEE showed what appears to be excess tissue or strands between her mitral and aortic valves, which should not be present and is believed to be the true culprit of Jalen's situation. Surgeons are puzzled as to how they should proceed.

     Keep in mind, the heart is an extremely complex organ. It is not as simple as entering a chamber and removing the tissue. This tissue lies extremely close to the carotid artery, therefore, removing it and installing a mechanical valve poses to be an extremely challenging procedure. If surgeons leave the tissue and replace the valve, it could mean her current situation would not change; possibly leading to a forth surgery which would mean that scarring from the third surgery would limit visibility in an extremely sensitive part of Jalen’s heart.

      How do you feel about the decision? We feel that holding off on the surgery was the appropriate decision. Agreeing with the doctors was the easy part. The hard part was holding our baby girl as she broke down in tears as we told her for the second time in two years that she is waking up without the issue being resolved.

      How is Jalen? Jalen is doing well. We consoled her yesterday, but the gravity of the situation did not take its complete toll until this morning, after the remaining anesthesia had worn off. She is a trooper and strong in her faith, so she knows that there is a reason for the outcome. Jalen wants to find a solution quickly.

      How is her brother, Ethen? He is doing well and showing her great support. He hates to see his sister going through this. He has been a great big brother! He, as many young men, hate to show emotion, so when he does, he does it out of love.

     How are Charlene and Randy? We are fine. When going through something like this, we have to mentally and physically prepare for the aftermath of surgery. So much energy goes in to preparing for an event such as this that when they released Jalen we came home and fell asleep in the living room floor for a while! Yes, we have a number of questions. Yes, we are frustrated. Most importantly, we know that God created Jalen and He knows the details of how she is made. Most importantly, we trust that God will give doctors the wisdom to help Jalen (Proverbs 3:5). Through it all, we are glad that the doctors were honest and courageous to tell us they were not moving forward. We were blessed that another specialist questioned the findings of her previous tests.

      What can we do? Honestly, we ask that you follow the instructions in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, pray without ceasing. Pray for wisdom for the doctors. Pray for continued healing and strength for Jalen. Pray for other children that have heart conditions. Jalen will be collecting large teddy bears and button front pajamas for those children that need open heart surgeries. The bears are used to hug when children cough to keep their lungs healthy after surgery; hugging the bears helps to ease the pain. The buttoned pajamas allow the children to be comfortable without raising their arms to put on t-shirts. You can message me at www.facebook.com/rjkimmel .

     What’s next? Jalen’s case will be sent to various experts on the east and west coast for review. A biopsy will be completed to determine if the heart muscle is diseased, which doctors strongly feel it is not, but they want to be certain. An MRI will be completed to determine the makeup of the space between her mitral and aortic valve. Jalen will find new ways to regulate her heart rate during activities until a solution is found.

     Again, we cannot thank you enough for being with us on this journey. We are so thankful and blessed to have the doctors and surgeons. God works in wonderful ways, and we know that He is in control of her unique situation. God is good…